Attention Paramedics – New Medication

TO: All active duty Paramedics

FROM: Acting EMS Section Chief Happy Medic
RE: New Medication added to protocols
The following policy and protocol will take effect immediately.
Amendment to pharmacy list, addition of Maan Pill.
Overview: With an increase in minor complaints and a decrease in common sense and the ability of adult males to act like adult males, the Medical Director, Dr Imadoc, has approved the use of the Maan Pill for treatment of whining and crying in the absence of a medical emergency.
History: Produced by the Mann Pharmaceutical Group, the Maan Pill is actually a centuries old herbal remedy, often used in younger males to prevent them becoming men who can not handle their own in a stressful situation. Previously marketed under the name Maan Up, the Maan treatment has virtually disappeared in recent years with the popularity of the less expensive, yet less effective Empathie Remedies.
Actions: The Maan Pill acts to inhibit the whining reflex and replace it with an acceptance of one’s situation. The exact chemical reaction remains a mystery, much like everything else we administer in the field.
Indications: The Maan Pill is administered to males between the ages of 15 and 55 exhibiting symptoms of a nervous breakdown without a provoking factor. These men may present in police custody after committing domestic assault or with a vague complaint following a car accident.
Contraindications: None known
Dosing: One Maan Pill, total of 1mg PO with a repeat dose often needed for weeks on end.
It is important to remember that Maan Pills are not new, but were previously marketed as Suckitupandactyourageitol. This name led many to abandon the treatment entirely, as stated, in favor of a “watch and see” mentality. Dr Imadoc wants us to start administering a Maan Pill to anyone exhibiting the symptoms immediately, but only after a complete assessment to ensure there is in fact no life threat.
Paramedics who encounter a patient who meets the requirements for the medication should ask them, “Did you take your Maan Pill today?”
That is all.
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